Friday, May 27, 2005 @12:00 AM
pls enlighten me holy one. when 2 people get together, does it mark the loss of freedom the 2 persons owe? if not, y does the bf/gf gets angry when their bf/gf gets to know someone of the opposite gender? y the existence of the word compromise?
after my ultimate with rudy, i told myself that i must never sacrifice all my happiness for one guy again. i always thought that 2 people got together coz they can enhance each other's personality, brings about sincere and pure companionship, not restrictions or sadness. y should u force ur partner to forego his/her happiness just coz u are unhappy about the thing that he/she is doing? should that really be the case when 2 people get together? if tt's the case, then y even marry, or rather, y even be together at all? sometime i wonder if it's because i am a selfish freak and hence, my thinking. but heck, i dun think so. let me give an extreme analogy. 2 blind people happened to fall in love and get married. one day, the wife got a call from the doctor claiming that he had a suitable eye cornea for her. delighted, she shared the piece of good news with her husband. the husband, while happy for her, had his own insecurities. he wondered," now tt she can see, she will definitely find someone else. now people will pay more attention to her compared to the past." the wife felt upset about the whole issue and thus decided not to have the operation anymore. isnt this stupid? this is your own life dammit! y shud we always live for other people? y shud we always take into consideration other people's feelings? we live our life once for goodness sake!! i dun believe in changing for the others. i dun believe in changing my life for another person. i dun want to lie on my dying bed and regretted the things i wanted to do but never did. what if i died in an accident tomorrow? i dun want to go up to heaven and when reflecting about my life, realised tt i have been living for the others. i dun want to then think that aiyah, if only what what what.. i dun want to have any regrets! i am not a wei da de ren. maybe u guys will think that i am a bad gf. yes. that's the truth. maybe that explains y a person who loves me deeply will inevitably leave me. i'm not cynical. sometimes i lied on my bed and i pondered if i ever did enough for my darling. i know he treats me very well. deep down in my heart i know that i am not the one for him. he really deserves someone much much better than me. we are so different yet so similar. the things that i love doing turns him off. i like clubbing but he doesnt. i want to go tanning with my jc friends, yet i know he's unhappy about this issue. i damn well wanted to compromise, but i just cannot bring myself to do it. i was on the verge of saying things like i promise u i wun do it again and stuff like this but i couldnt do it. because i know i cant do it. i dun want to lie to him. u guys may think i am a selfish bitch. i admit i am. i'm still young. i dun want to give up all my fun. to put it crudely i dunno if me and dear are going to last at all. what of one day we really break off and by then i was already 26, 27? wouldnt tt be too old to revive what i had lost? i dun want that. yet at the same time i really do not wnat to lose him. i dunno what i should do. wouldnt things be simpler and easier if he trusts me??
♥ -Dollicious-Sinner-