Tuesday, September 21, 2004 @4:38 PM
sianz.. now in IT Lab 5 waiting for gel to go off together.. today is her bdae.. so good for her.. kelvin is tresting her better i feel.. lol.. unlike me.. where he treats me worse n worse with each passing day.. yesterday was really the final straw tt broke the camel's back.. i mean i was like really waiting for his call for like so long lor.. somemore i;m not a person who can really multi task.. in addition, my hp so cok.. sometimes pple call n it will nt vibrate or ring.. so i was literally looking at the fone every few seconds.. i cant concentrate on my tut.. i missed him so much and was really looking forward to talking to him.. yell him wat happened today and stuff related.. yet when he called me n i called back.. he took a very long time to ans my call n it sent me into wild tots to y he took so long to ans my call.. fianlly he ans and he said he's tuning th tv.. i'm like wat the.. he knew i was gg to call yet instead of waiting for my call he went to do something else.. i dun think explaining to me y wsa really a big deal.. was it really so muz of loss of face?? i really knew he was such a male chauvanist.. he can sound so irritated with me and stuff yet can joke with friends at the same time.. i feel so hurt lor.. like this relationship dun matter to him at all.. i just hang up.. he called n i didnt ans.. he just replied wat,"u dun want ans then dun say i nv contact u or wat.. i'm v tired gg to sleep" tt kind of stuff.. it's like s knife slicing thru my heart.. tears just cant stop flowing down my cheeks.. it was then i realised maybe he had a change of heart n stuff.. i feel damn hurt n unconsolable.. thinking he will pacify me call me darling n stuff like sorry i love u.. but all those nv came.. i feel pathetic for myself.. i feel he had changed into someone i dunno.. i mean not based on one incident itself.. not tt last few events also prove tt he changed.. my heart feel so dead.. in the end i decided to just break.. i feel like i really dunno him anymore.. he's tired.. wat abt me?? i'm tired too man.. i've tons of assignment.. i'm lagging behind my readings... and i make an effort to spend time with him and i didnt even go out with my friends for a very long time le.. i didnt even threw my temper at him thou i feel so stressed and stuff.. i angry i want to tell him the reasons.. somehow he just is not interested in listening to wat i've got to say.. the moment i tell him he will go argh.. god.. do u have any idea how hurt i was?? i know i'm not exactly the best gf in the world.. but i really am trying everyday lor.. i've been keeping my control under checks upmteen times.. many times i control my temper when i feel angry and at the end of the day i'll end up crying by myside.. i've nv balme him when he cant be there for me.. in fact i try to understand n tolerate it.. but it seems to be a furtile attempt.. i cried myself to zz last night while he was sleeping soundly.. i smsed him to apologise yet he didnt even care.. soccer, friends, sleep are just all so impt to him.. he cares abt himself only.. y be with me at all?? coz of tt one time mistake? fuck.. feel like crying now.. but i cant.. too many pple ard.. y cant i be stronger? maybe if i'm not so bad tempered all these will not have happened.. he always tells me he wun leave me but all these are just lies.. he always says he's very scare he will lose me.. but i'm really starting to feel all these are just sweet-talking.. he cant even be bothered to sms me, to communicate with me when things go wrong.. is our relationship gg to last at all?? does he really mean it when he said he loves me?? i dunno... i really dunno him anymore.. i hate him.. i reallly do.. beg him back yet he wun return.. fine.. y shud i go thru all these shit again just like how i went thru when i was with rudy? y do i always end up feeling hurt n cheated? actions speak louder than words.. the fact he dun care. hate me telling him my feelings are suffice to let me know.. maybe he was just together with me for the sake of being together.. maybe he's new in relationship and he being such a nice guy dunno how to be the bad guy.. nvm.. since he already said he dun want patch then let this be the end of us..
♥ -Dollicious-Sinner-